Blah Blah Blah

Lately I feel like ive been drowning. I don’t feel like I am in the right place. It is silly because actually I am in the position that I used to crave for. Yeah it is because while I am in my place now, I have to do a lot of demanding things which I consider as not-my-passion things.  At first, I moan a lot and cry a lot and moan a lot and whine a lot and cry a lot. Pretty lame, eh? But it happened.  I hate it so much when I have to do something that I don’t like, something that make me feel like “ I don’t understand what I don’t understand”. It is so frustrating, and as the result, Ive got some bad marks for those excessively exhausting and frustrating efforts. And because of that, I feel terrible and start to cry and moan and cry and moan and cry and cry. This sorta thing makes me feel so dumb and stupid. And I hate being dumb and stupid.

Not so many days ago, I tried not to repeat the same pattern; moan and cry and cry and whine. I tried to be stronger and tougher—yeah that is somewhat they called motivation. I stopped crying and start doing my thing as best as I could. I managed my time; I finished my work one step at a time. and yes, I didn’t cry at all. Done it smoothly. I considered it as my accomplishment since I was not like what I used to be. However, when the result comes, its till not as good as I expected. It is still not even average score for me. I feel sad and once again, stupid. I hate it so much. I wonder sometimes, why is it always like this? I mean like, I have done my best yet why there is no any kind of improvement in terms of the score. I don’t know. Is that because I don’t like to do the thing so the result is just like what Ive got? I know it is not even an excuse to blame on the assignment which I don’t like, yet I don’t know. By the time I post this, I don’t know what I feel. Its all mixed up. The disappointment, the misery, the blah blah and blah.

Ive never felt this depressed before. It is frustrating to know the fact that you’ve already done your best yet still got nothing. I know, as Paulo Coelho said that I might have lost some major battles, yet im still here, and I survived. That’s the only thing I have now to make me not to cry. But yeah, I am still not sure what it will be whether to be still survive from today’s major battle or not.