Ada kala nya saya tertawa miris. Merasa dipecundangi oleh kata dan baris. Seakan akan mereka memperolok sinis. ”Hey, kau tak akan pernah mencapai garis!”

Ya apalah dikatakan. Semua yang pernah dirasakan. Menjadi satu baur dalam resapan. Menjelma menjadi ungkapan menawan.

Kepada siapalah itu pernah ditujukan. Tak pernah jadi urusan. Tak semestinya dihadapkan. Karena itu hanyalah lampau. Tak mestinya dihirau.

Tapi ya jangan marah. Karena diri ini sangat peduli. Tapi tenang saja, nyatanya hanya bisa pasrah. Menggigit jari, mengobati hati.

Tiap insan kan pasti punya cerita. Yang berujung bahagia tawa. Atau terpuruk nestapa. Ya walaupun kali itu tema nya jatuh cinta.

Jangan salahkan dia yang merasa. Karena memang debar itu ada. Pernah ada. Pernah dimulai. Dan mestinya sudah selesai.

It's Funny

It’s funny when you may think that you can get hurt because of something yet you just get over it, laughing.

It’s funny when you know that it wasn’t your business yet you start whining, then complaining.

It’s funny when you might believe that anything will be alright yet you end up, crying.

It’s funny when you are quite sure that it will be nothing painful while reading someone’s old pages which are none of your business but in fact they sting, then you feel hurt, you should’ve end up crying, yet you are now LAUGHING.

“Your own pessimistic thought is the best under-disguised killer machine.” 

Bukan Saat Ini

Jika hati ini menggeram, meronta, tetap aku tak sanggup salahkan mu. Apa yang salah dari sebuah rasa? Kau tak pantas didera. Dan kali ini, berhenti saja. Cukup berhenti.

Tanpa koma setelahnya. Tak usah lagi kau bangun dari tempat tidur mu, bersuara merdu selamat pagi untuk ku. Sudah sekian lama kita tak berjumpa. Hati kita. Tak lagi cerminkan rindu. Rindu itu bisu. Terhenti di ujung pintu. Malam ini ku cukup kan. Biarkan kau melayang. Tak usah lagi kau berikan handuk panas setiap sore aku pulang. Dalam hati, diri ini berbisik. Kau bisa lebih dari itu. Tidur tenang. Nafas lapang. Bukan disini tempatmu, Sayang. Akan ada saatnya ketika mata mu membuka, sosok yang tiada pergi jauh bagi mu. Siang malam, pagi petang. Hanya saja, bukan kali ini. Bukan saat ini. 

Dicurangi Rindu

Aku dicurangi rindu

Dia datang tak kenal waktu

Padahal yang ku minta hanya separuh

Bukan letupan dan gemuruh

Aku selalu dicurangi rindu

Atas nama gelisah dan resah

Mengaduk jadi satu dalam amarah

Terbakar dalam bentuk air mata memadu

"When you just can't explain the thing, then you just hold, remain in silent, and exhale."

The Hours--A Thought of A Smarty-Pants (2)

This smarty-pants thought came out as I was reading The Hours by Michael Cunningham. There were three main characters there. If we take a look closer to the characters, most of them depict the illustration of “the problem that has no name”, a theory of Feminine Mystique from Betty Friedan. It is said that woman has a tendency to be insecure of her life when she can not express her self. It is a strange stirring, a sense of dissatisfaction, a yearning that woman frequently suffers. It brings up the silent question of “is that all?” It is vividly appeared on Laura Brown who could not bear living as “only” a house wife, made bed, prepared for meal, cooked, gave goodbye kiss  as her husband went for work, laid beside her husband in the night. She wanted more than that. As for Virginia Woolf, although she had her peaceful and beautiful husband and family, she still didn’t fit in among them. She needed more. There was something wrong with that life and she just felt that she didn't belong in that common suburb life. The need of fulfilling existence as an equal human being mattered in this case. Currently speaking, there are still some women who have that kind of problem. They feel being limited by the title of “a wife” or “a mother” or even “a woman” that stereotypically are placed among those domestic chores and not the other else jobs. They are trapped on their own life. However, since the society fits the perception, then it is hard for them to share, to express the problem. They  think that if they do so, they would be considered a "misfit" in society. Hence, they ignore the voice of dissatisfaction, press it deeper, try so hard to diminish the feeling, then depression and frustration emerge. It is also believed "the problem that has no name" frequently makes woman becoming irrationally frustrated. They get easily bothered then they yell because of something unintelligible.

            Because of that novel, I wonder why some moms and wives so much easily get irritated. You know, the moment when you feel your mom is so super irritating. She is just like screaming out loud on everything she considers wrong or improper and it is usually because of you. She yells without reasons and all. Sometimes I wonder, is it true that even my mom experiences that problem? because she presses the feeling and doesn’t want to bring it up? Since it would be considered a misfit in a society when a woman, especially a mother, complaints about her life as a mother with domestic responsibilities?

            If it is so, then it is so much unfortunate. Depression comes as a result of your silent problems. Woman is somehow oppressed in this case. It is said that we, human beings, have the same rights to life, and so do to speak. However, it seems like it doesn’t apply in woman’s life. We barely have “the rights” to speak. Even, it’s only to share our stories and problems. According to Feminine Mystique theory, a woman will have a tendency to feel loss and depressed about her own self, ask about her own rule in her own life. She understands that there is something incomplete in her life but she doesn’t know what. That is terrible. She thinks that there is nothing wrong with the domestic chores and so on which are usually labeled as “woman’s job”. However, this perception could not be true. Society, which is ruled in a patriarchy way, constructs this discernment.

            The reason of dissatisfaction might be unrevealed until now. It could be anything. Nevertheless, there is a possibility that we need the freedom of being equal. We might want to have the same privilege as the man might have. Either it could be education or career, it depends. One thing for sure, it is actually heartbreaking knowing that we can speak yet in fact you can't.

            Speaking of the matter of expressing feeling, nowadays there are some women who are brave and bold enough to share what they think and desire. Frequently, they choose to struggle for their education and career more than raise a family and have kids. They are usually considered “independent”. However, this “independent” woman is still uncommon. People will give the strange looks for a career woman or education-minded woman after all. Some women will survive, mostly won’t. The pressure is somehow so unbearable, then it will make us to give in and try so hard to be accustomed in the society, get married, have kids, deal with domestic chores. Then the additional pressure will come as we don’t have any willingness to be that “constructed lady”. Living life in a doubled pressure and depression, that’s the upshot. 

            By this writing, it doesn’t mean that I persuade other woman to think that it is unfortunate and useless being a sweet obedient mother and wife. No. I, my self actually desire to be one of wonderful mothers. I want become a mother and a wife. I don’t mind. And I think that I will be that fulfilled. However, the point is that as a woman, we have to be able to express what we feel and hope and think and desire. If your passion is on your education or career or whatever it would be, then fight for it. As it is related to the relationship, it is better for you to negotiate your own thought and decision about your life plan to the man you will live together with. To speak is the most important thing as a human, so is for woman. The figure of femininity, like fragile, oppressed, and subordinated, does no longer represent women in general. When we are able to convey our own thoughts and feeling, then the depression might somehow be decreased.